Trying to understand the difficulties I face in living with anxiety and depression now a days and dealing with a fake smile is hard as fuck, I am depressed I don’t know how long this will be part of me unfortunately its one of the fun side effects fucken cancer gave me. I wish it were different, I wish I could control it 100% but I fucken can’t.
My anxiety is having no appetite one day and eating everything in sight the next. It’s being completely out of touch with my own feelings and needs. Feling fucken sick with no explanation. It’s feeling like you have a hangover with no end in sight and no fun what so ever prior to feeling shitty. Everyday feeling like I physically can’t get out of bed in the morning. It’s more than simply not wanting to get uք, being terrified of what could happen in a single day. It’s being paralyzed over the uncertainty of whether it’s going to be a good or bad day. It’s being worried about having a panic attack. Some days it’s easier to stay in bed than to face the world. My depression is being perfectly happy one minute and snapping at someone the next. It causes mood swings I didn’t even know I was capable of. I snap at people out of pure frustration over feeling like anxiety prevents me from living my life the way I want to. My depression is closing my bedroom door and not answering. It’s wanting to be alone because I'd hate for your anxiety to affect others. Pretending I’m not around is easier than trying to explain why I don’t want to leave my bedroom.
Having the will power to do anything when I'm having zero energy. It’s going from being an energetic, happy person to having the life sucked out of me. It’s feeling like lifting my hand to grab the television remote will be so exhausting I’ll need a three hour nap to recover. Please know when I’m feeling this way, that’s when I need you the most.
My anxiety is isolating myself even though I want to be around other people and participate in fun shit I used to do because I know those activities now have the potential to cause a panic attack. I snap at people I love when they reach out and ask me to join in because I’m frustrated with the reality that I can’t be a part of certain things. I think that’s why I’ve been around the kids more these days because they just stare at me when I speak to them lol, they have no fucken clue what the hell I’m saying. It’s funny and helps me vent a little. My anxiety is something I can’t control. My anxiety is an emotional fucken roller coaster almost every day. And I’m in the front seat every time whether I like it or not.
Most people don’t understand, they don’t understand how difficult a single day can be to just snap back into life like if Cancer never Happened. Anxiety is invisible in many ways, and because people can’t see it and they tend to assume everything is fine. They don’t understand why I get pissed off or tire easily or isolate myself from the group. Truth is, oftentimes these people don’t want to have a conversation about what I’m dealing with. It’s easier for them to just ignore it even though I don’t get that option. I ignore it enough to put up a show so that everyone is comfortable around me but that shit is exhausting enough.
My depression is me trying to fight what my brain tells me every day and losing that battle almost every time. Don’t tell me to just “get over it” because it kicks me down daily. Don’t tell me to be strong and pull through, you have no idea how strong I try to be every day. Don’t tell me I’m not trying I’m putting up a fight every single day of my life. Help me during those times when I feel like I have no strength in me to fight it that day.
I want my loved ones to be patient with me. I know that’s a difficult request when I tend to be impatient about most things and the only way to get through this is using patience I don’t fucken have. Know sometimes I need some space and other times, I need them around me and telling me it’s OK. It’s OK that I can’t control this. It’s OK that I’m going through this. It’s OK that I can’t face people today. We’ll try again tomorrow. It’s OK that I snapped at them. Try to remember I’m sorry. It’s OK that I’m frustrated because they know it’s not by choice. It’s OK that I have anxiety because they love me, no matter what.
I started with my anxiety and depression and it kinda took a mind of it’s own but this kinda explains how I feel on a daily basis on top of other issues I have to face. I love my family but they’re slowly killing me inside. I hate that I feel this way but no lie, death would’ve been easier this is fucken exhausting and I hate that I am complaining because I should be grateful my “cancer” is gone. Ughhh but my depression is still here well and alive growing stronger daily, well at least thats how it feels. #fuckcancer

I didn’t expect to get this crazy. Like I literally wonder if I have lost every fucken working brain cell. Especially when dealing with side effect symptoms. I could have every side effect in the book from chemo or none at all and I still wonder if it’s really working the way it’s supposed to be. I could just having a headache, or a common cold, or sore joints but I am never certain. I always wonder if it was a sign of progression, even when it made no sense.

Don’t tell them how strong I am; because I’ll feel the need to act strong even when I'm sad or exhausted. Don’t offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins, and herbal therapies. Or fucken witchcraft shit. Lol, instead ask me if I need to cry?! Because sometimes I do. If I need someone to walk Lucy for me. . .
I feel people worry about having the politically correct thing to say that they end up saying the worst possible shit and that shit hurts the most. I feel that the most important thing is not what you say – it’s that you’re there and willing to listen. Try to hear/ listen and understand how I feel. I don't expect anyone to cure me or to have the correct statements to say to me. I just want understanding without judgment.

Things that don't bother me one day infuriate me the next. I can’t decide if I am expecting too much; maybe I am setting my friends/loved ones up for failure. . . I really don't try to inconvenience anyone with all of this. 95% of my friends and family members don't know the back scenes, don't know the fucken struggle of medical bills or appointments or how hard it is to understand medical language let alone side effects. I feel I got this alone but there are times I just need to "rant" and I probably don't do it face to face with individuals in my life because I feel I might inconvenience them and make them run away because of my bluntness towards this shit. So I'll admit I push people away but not for me, I do it for the them, to protect them from guilt. I rather people think I'm a bitch than feel they stayed out of pity. I don't know if it makes sense, but it's part of my "ranting" so. . . yeah, "blocking" exist and maybe, . . . just don't read my shit. Just a suggestion.. . . Lol, but for those that read and comment with support. Thank you

My fear is that every time my friend/loved one has a hard time from now on, I am going to again have that feeling that they let me down when I needed them, so. . "fuck you and your feelings".. . I thought I had moved past it, but I guess not. I somewhat apologize in advance. Ύ

Maybe some lessons can’t be learned until you go through them yourself.
People have different strengths, different mindsets.
We shouldn’t expect any single person to be good at everything. I'm doing my best and "ranting" helps me cope. Sooooooo, . . . . . . . I don't know how to help you feel better, I heard therapy helps sometimes but that shit is expensive too. Social Media is free so, . . .. . .. . . Hello My Name is Nubia and I'm here to fucken “rant” . . lol

I fear coping this way will hurt me even more emotionally which can't possibly be good. Considering, I'm already coo coo for cocos puffs. But I also feel there's no damn correct way either . . and nooooooo, time doesn't heal shit!!! But thanks for the suggestion, I've given this shit a year and a half and I feel at my worst!!!!!! So there you go, my “rant” for today. . . #rantqueen"

This anxiety and depression seems to have hit really hard with cancer. Things I never believed before, I am now beginning to understand it. I can't believe I ever doubted people who went through this. Depression is as real as cancer. #sleeplessnightherewegoagain

I have days where I'm just inexplicably sad. I no longer have interest in doing everything I used to do prior to cancer. I keep smiling but I'm not ok, I'm pissed off! I hate having to explain myself as to why I can't make it to events, why I don't reply to my messages, why I look a certain some days. It's frustrating I just want to run away and hide for a while. I don't know who I am anymore, come to think about it, I don't think I ever did know. Feeling lost

I have a lot of sarcasm in me, I may sound too negative or you may think I believe all of this is funny to me, but it's not at all. I've lost a brother and a brother in law to cancer you can't judge on how I deal with my own battle because it's the only way I can and know how. . I’ve even been told that I can be "negative.". I could imagine it can get a little "much" for some people. But there is never enough for me. I love my family and friends I don't blame anyone for staying away or distant because if you know me, you know I'm the worse when it comes to emotional support so I completely understand and I'm not upset at anyone. I fight how I know how and that's with this attitude unfortunately for those that can't handle I'm not apologizing because like I said it's my fight and I have to do this the only way I know how whether people agree with it or not. #fuckcancer