Trying to understand the difficulties I face in living with anxiety and depression now a days and dealing with a fake smile is hard as fuck, I am depressed I don’t know how long this will be part of me unfortunately its one of the fun side effects fucken cancer gave me. I wish it were different, I wish I could control it 100% but I fucken can’t.
My anxiety is having no appetite one day and eating everything in sight the next. It’s being completely out of touch with my own feelings and needs. Feling fucken sick with no explanation. It’s feeling like you have a hangover with no end in sight and no fun what so ever prior to feeling shitty. Everyday feeling like I physically can’t get out of bed in the morning. It’s more than simply not wanting to get uք, being terrified of what could happen in a single day. It’s being paralyzed over the uncertainty of whether it’s going to be a good or bad day. It’s being worried about having a panic attack. Some days it’s easier to stay in bed than to face the world. My depression is being perfectly happy one minute and snapping at someone the next. It causes mood swings I didn’t even know I was capable of. I snap at people out of pure frustration over feeling like anxiety prevents me from living my life the way I want to. My depression is closing my bedroom door and not answering. It’s wanting to be alone because I'd hate for your anxiety to affect others. Pretending I’m not around is easier than trying to explain why I don’t want to leave my bedroom.
Having the will power to do anything when I'm having zero energy. It’s going from being an energetic, happy person to having the life sucked out of me. It’s feeling like lifting my hand to grab the television remote will be so exhausting I’ll need a three hour nap to recover. Please know when I’m feeling this way, that’s when I need you the most.
My anxiety is isolating myself even though I want to be around other people and participate in fun shit I used to do because I know those activities now have the potential to cause a panic attack. I snap at people I love when they reach out and ask me to join in because I’m frustrated with the reality that I can’t be a part of certain things. I think that’s why I’ve been around the kids more these days because they just stare at me when I speak to them lol, they have no fucken clue what the hell I’m saying. It’s funny and helps me vent a little. My anxiety is something I can’t control. My anxiety is an emotional fucken roller coaster almost every day. And I’m in the front seat every time whether I like it or not.
Most people don’t understand, they don’t understand how difficult a single day can be to just snap back into life like if Cancer never Happened. Anxiety is invisible in many ways, and because people can’t see it and they tend to assume everything is fine. They don’t understand why I get pissed off or tire easily or isolate myself from the group. Truth is, oftentimes these people don’t want to have a conversation about what I’m dealing with. It’s easier for them to just ignore it even though I don’t get that option. I ignore it enough to put up a show so that everyone is comfortable around me but that shit is exhausting enough.
My depression is me trying to fight what my brain tells me every day and losing that battle almost every time. Don’t tell me to just “get over it” because it kicks me down daily. Don’t tell me to be strong and pull through, you have no idea how strong I try to be every day. Don’t tell me I’m not trying I’m putting up a fight every single day of my life. Help me during those times when I feel like I have no strength in me to fight it that day.
I want my loved ones to be patient with me. I know that’s a difficult request when I tend to be impatient about most things and the only way to get through this is using patience I don’t fucken have. Know sometimes I need some space and other times, I need them around me and telling me it’s OK. It’s OK that I can’t control this. It’s OK that I’m going through this. It’s OK that I can’t face people today. We’ll try again tomorrow. It’s OK that I snapped at them. Try to remember I’m sorry. It’s OK that I’m frustrated because they know it’s not by choice. It’s OK that I have anxiety because they love me, no matter what.
I started with my anxiety and depression and it kinda took a mind of it’s own but this kinda explains how I feel on a daily basis on top of other issues I have to face. I love my family but they’re slowly killing me inside. I hate that I feel this way but no lie, death would’ve been easier this is fucken exhausting and I hate that I am complaining because I should be grateful my “cancer” is gone. Ughhh but my depression is still here well and alive growing stronger daily, well at least thats how it feels. #fuckcancer