Dear Cancer,

When you came rushing into my life I had no idea how long you would be here, I thought you were a one and done thing. I remember saying “I just want to cut it out and be done”. Well, the joke was on me, you played that well. Three years later I am still dealing with your dumb ass. Tomorrow I will have surgery to remove the painful, last 4 inches in scar you left behind that keep setting off the MRI, then off to radiation. You really enjoy making life hell. I wish I could say I am so done with you but I have realized something over these years, it is a lifelong thing this relationship.

Here is the kicker though-you still do not win. Yes, you stole my friends from this earth and I am disgusted by that for sure, it makes me want revenge and that is a big mistake on your part. What you do to those with metastatic cancer is inexcusable and the fear you set in for us that are now at 30% risk of it spreading is warped! But every time we live our life in spite of the pain we win, not you. When we go to the doctors and hear NED it is us that is victorious. I hear our metster friends with stable scans and see the winning in them not you not even for a moment. Every time we bond as friends because you came crashing in we are the winners not you. That is the biggest victory and one you can not ever take from us.

See you may think you are doing such a great job by giving us all the after effects but we overcome them by living our life anyway. Depression, weight gain, lymphedema, pain, neuropathy we get but we take it create a new normal just to stick it to you. I see my Stage 4 extended family going on trips and I laugh in your face. I see my friends at chemo smiling and singing and crack up at how you are trying to take them down but you can not. And when my friends are tired and crying we as a cancer family are there to hold them I think screw you cancer you can not win because we are united. Brave has many faces and it breathes in everyone of us in death, you are not brave but a coward with nothing to back you up.

No there is not a cure for you yet or a way to prevent your stupid ass from entering our body but we are making strides in banning together to get the word out that research not ribbons is the key. Now more than ever we have options at our disposal, like clinical trials, that help make treatment advancements possible. We are determined to show the world that cancer is not pretty all tied in a bow that you are an ugly beast with death in your path. Once they see that you are over! You did what you could but I see your fear almost as clear as our anxiety that you are coming. Cancer, understand this you can take all this from us and think you are winning but every time we laugh, smile, hold each other up, live our life and even cry through all this we WIN not you.

Sincerely and exhausted but living through every step

Ann Marie