WOW, what a difference a month can make! So on November 17th, my Lymphoma returned after a biopsy showed it had returned in the lymph nodes in my neck. I went in to the hospital because I spiked a fever. Got a round of antibiotics and came home. Back on chemo now, and the new plan is an Allogenic Stem Cell transplant. So I need a donor. So there is stress there. More risk and a longer recovery time. I have to keep the faith. I have to remain strong. I have to keep going. I have to know that life is greater than this. I got a dog. A puppy. his name is Kiba. He is a Jack Russell Terrier and we are compatible it seems. Truth be told, I kinda got him for my husband too. Ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer it seems like all of his friends just scattered like roaches. He seems lonely a lot. Now that the dog is here he has seemed to pep up a little more. Seems like he is happier. Me on the other hand I adore Kiba but I am hoping that I did not bite off more than I can chew. I still have to go through the transplant and I know I have to recover so I am hoping that Dorrian can handle the responsibility when I am down. Because I will be down for a long while it seems. Then, this morning, I found out that my sister is my half match for my transplant. BUT GOD. He always steps in and saves the day! Yesterday I fell down the stairs with the dog in my hands, and just retired to my bed with so much heartache and pain. Like I had failed when I had fallen. Like it really hit me like I hit my back on the stairs. That I really was hurting. Inside and out. I laid there and just cried. Like I did not know what life was about anymore. Depression. It is so real. It hurts so much sometimes. But, there are good days, better days, happy days. Generally, my goal is to make it to the better days. I worry so much. I have to take Kiba to the vet tomorrow because he has an issue with scratching. And then my whole world falls apart again. Why do I keep feeling like I keep failing? One of my bffs tolf me that I really need to stop being so hard on myself. Then, another one of my bffs may be pregnant, and she was told that the was just another bitch statistic today at work. I got another friend that is battling depression after being in an abusive relationship with a loser that is unfortunately the father of her two boys. Which brings me to my next friend, that is battling depression due to her current life circumstances; deadbeat baby daddy, trying to make it throught school, forced to live with an ex boyfriend right now who is a control freak and a big ass baby nigga. When I think about it, I wonder why we have all been brought together. Like, we are some really big society of women that need to be here for each other. For some reason, I am generally viewed as the strongest one. I feel like Kiba. Small, inadequate, helpless, sometimes. I cannot believe I even have cancer. Like, it is in my body. Sometimes just the thought hurts. Writing does help when I can get around to it. We really are all fighting different devils in this life. I am just glad that I don't feel alone always. I thank God for my stregnth and my friends and I pray that we all make it to the finish line. Together. I know we will. Tomorrow my brother is being tested to see if he is a match for me as well. To God be the glory. We're almost home!