Since it is Throwback Thursday, I thought I would post my first blog entry from my own blog, which is was my announcement to distant friends about my cancer:

Life
Life - such a big word. How could you even begin to talk about the word 'Life' as simply as just a word, a noun, especially in one little blog post, especially when you aren't the greatest writer to begin with. But, if you'd ask me the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of 'life' I would say - beautiful. It is of course much more than just that but it is a beautiful thing is it not? Full of adventures, obstacles, mysteries, people, animals, nature, challenges...

Now 'challenges', there's a word. We often think of the word 'challenge' as a negative thing, but I am trying the flip side these days and seeing the word as a positive. I am trying this method simply because I am currently facing one of those 'challenges' that life brings you that I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for. This challenge I am facing will be both trying on the emotional side, the physical side and the spiritual side. So why would I feel the need to now try and approach 'challenges' as a positive? Because I have to. I have to believe that I can face this challenge with a positive mind and heart. I have to believe that I will find enough energy to face this challenge. I have to believe that I will have the heart to face it, as well as all of the positive forces I can find within myself.

My beautiful life has recently given me a challenge that I know in my heart that I will get through by keeping a positive mind. My challenge is CANCER.

Because of cancer, I no longer have my period. Damn straight I will brag about that. Damn straight that makes me smile. And damn straight I won't feel guilty one bit when you ask me to stop the bragging when you are complaining that you have your 'monthlies'. Oh poor you your 'aunt Flo' is in town. Cry me a river on the price of tampons. Let me take out my teeny tiny violin. I no longer menstruate. Booyah! And yes that is me bragging while smiling at you. Hey, zip it. It's my silver lining. I had cancer. I had cells growing inside my body that were trying to kill me. I had numerous biopsies. I had surgeries. I was thrown into early menopause. I suffer from insomnia, depression and anxiety. I suffered sexual side effects that you don't even wish for me to get into. I am on hormonal replacement therapy. I have panic attacks every year the weeks leading up to my yearly exams and tests. I constantly fear reaccurance. I fear every ache and pain in my body. I go to bed thinking about cancer. I wake up thinking about cancer. I see scars on my body everytime I undress to shower. I struggle with constant exhaustion that is like no other.
So ya, no longer having a period, damn freaking straight I will brag about that.
So there. Deal with it. Heh!

This Mother's Day: For all of you who still have their mothers, and who may not always understand why they do what they do, who may be frustrated by their constant questions and concerns, who may feel they are not accepting that you are no longer a child, I have one request: next time you see your mom, just hold her hand a tad longer than you normally would. Tell her that she means the world to you. Lay your head on her shoulder as you sit side-by-side a few moments. Give her a warm smile when you catch her staring at you from across the table. Know that your mom is that one person in the world that will love you more than any other being ever could remotely come close to. She does accept you as being an adult but she does the things she does because you are the last thing on her mind as she goes to bed every night and the first thing also when she wakes in the morning. Her heart skips a beat every time she sees you or simply thinks about you. There is nothing your mother wouldn't do to ensure your happiness and safety, no matter what age you are. A mother's love is like no other.
And for those of us who have lost their mother's much too soon, may we hold onto those memories of her, of her love, of her stare from across the table with a constant smile, of her warm hand on ours, of feeling her heart beat in her every hug, of her beautiful face, her kind words, and her constant adoration for all that we are. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my mother. To say I miss her is an understatement. But I am pretty lucky to have the memories that I do have. To have felt a love like no other. To have felt loved no matter what heartache I brought upon her. To have been given my three sisters who are the biggest blessings I could ever have hoped for. To have my father to help keep her love alive.
Maman, je t'aimais, , je t'aime, je t'aimerai!