Does it frustrate you that close friends or family from the pre-cancer days disappear when hearing of your diagnosis? Or do you find yourself amazed by people you never knew cared so much about your situation? It happened to me when I was diagnosed with Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
But I was prepared for it... Are you?
Between my freshman and sophomore year in college, one of my closest friends was in a boating accident and ended up paralyzed from the chest down. It was one of those events that shook us all out of our comfort zones and forced us to grow up faster than you would at 19 years old.
Most of us came back from freshman year summer break pretty much the same people except for perhaps some new tan lines and a renewed appreciation for the freedom that life on campus gives you.
My buddy, on the other hand, came back in a wheelchair.
He and I went on to live together for the remaining three years of college and in hindsight, I am certain I learned more about myself in our apartment than I did in the classroom. One of the most important lessons I carried into my cancer journey was one I witnessed firsthand through living with my buddy.
Over the subsequent semesters it became more apparent to my friend that when someone is going through a significant event such as a life altering injury (or cancer diagnosis), there is no right way to act towards/around them.
Some people are naturally more nurturing while others may be distant until they can come to terms with the situation.
While it was initially a very frustrating reality for him to process, as time went on he became more aware of this side of human nature and came to a very mature solution: He would focus his energy on healing, rehabilitation, and growing personally rather than spend time stewing over something he could not control such as other peoples' action (or inaction) and then be there for them when they felt comfortable reengaging.
With this lesson in mind, over the course of my eight month cancer treatment I made a conscious effort to be understanding of those people in my life that did not reach out as much as I would have predicted pre-diagnosis.
By living in this mindset I was able to focus my energy on healing my body instead of judging people for things they did or did not say or for not bringing me dinner.
I grew up playing competitive ice hockey and have since gone on to coach 6-8 year olds. One of the main (if not only) goals of a young hockey player is to get on the score sheet over the course of the game. Whether it is from a goal, an assist, or a strategically placed penalty, being a part of the score keeper's tally was of the utmost importance.
It is only later in life, thanks to my friend's lesson and my battle with cancer I realized score sheets only burden us as we mentally keep track of who has scored points in our lives.
Don't wait for a reason to stop keeping score.
Take a moment and rip up your score sheet so you can reallocate the energy it takes to maintain it (think resentment) towards something more positive such as healing your body or improving your sense of self.
Who knows... Maybe you will lift yourself to a higher level of fulfillment in the process.
Caregiver/Supporter Bonus:
If you are not sure what to say or how to act around someone going through a cancer journey the best thing you can do is be honest and tell them you are struggling without putting the onus on them to reciprocate.
An example may be:
"I want you to know how much I appreciate/love you. While I may need some time to process this, please know that I truly value our relationship and am always thinking of you."
Chances are the weight of your cancer fighter friend's situation is causing you to rethink your own life choices. Don't be afraid of this feeling, but rather walk right in, confront it, and watch yourself grow more than you ever thought possible.
Trust me, it's worth it.
Related:
Discuss:
- Anyone else have family that won't even speak about or discuss the fact that you had cancer? Or acknowledge any problems or side effects from treatment?
- What's the point of I Had Cancer?
- How has cancer changed your views on what and who's important in your life?
(Photo courtesy of author)
Roger Lumpp was diagnosed with Stage IV Hodgkin's Lymphoma in April 2010 and is currently cancer free. When not spending his time with his wife and son he enjoys finding ways to connect people and businesses with concepts and ideas that lead to a higher level of fulfillment. To learn more about Roger's survival story, find him on I Had Cancer under the username rlumpp!