I Lost My Hair, But I Didn't Lose My Spirit

The day you hear those three words, “You have cancer,” your whole world is turned upside down. Your body is sick, and you have to quickly adjust to a new routine of going to the hospital and starting your treatments. You’re forced to figure out how to manage all the side effects and emotions, and then you have to repeat the cycle for months. It’s so overwhelming and stressful! Your entire life changes in an instant. Your daily habits change, your health changes, your body changes, your mood changes, your emotions change, your relationships change, your values change... Everything in your environment changes, and you have no choice but to step into this new identity of a cancer patient.

If you’re like me and your hair fell out, you might agree that this was the biggest challenge you faced or are still facing. It’s certainly been the biggest challenge of my entire life. After I shaved my head, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe that my hair was all gone. I bought so many different scarves and hats, but nothing truly helped to make me feel comfortable or beautiful. I contemplated getting a wig, but I knew it wasn’t for me. There were some days when I had bursts of confidence, but the majority of the time, I felt ugly, embarrassed, and ashamed.

I eventually developed social anxiety because of it. It affected me so greatly that I didn’t want to leave the house for any reason whatsoever. Going to the grocery store was so emotionally taxing, and I was stressed every time I went inside. Even on the days when my energy levels were high and I was feeling great, I decided to avoid people because I had so much fear of being seen like this. Even after my hair started growing back, I had so much self-doubt. It felt safer to hide from the world to avoid any type of judgment. My self-esteem was so low at this point it didn’t matter when people told me I looked beautiful, I still felt terrible inside.

After a while, I realized that this wasn’t a healthy way to live. I always felt sad, and I knew I was missing out on my life and spending time with people I cared about. I knew it would take a while for my hair to grow back, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I had to remind myself that I was diagnosed with cancer, and that was also something that I couldn’t change. I also had to remind myself that my hair falling out was the result of chemo, which is what was helping me get better. I started to remember the fact that there are things in life we can’t control and things we can control. What I could control was how I was going to think and feel about the situation, and that’s what I decided to do.

I decided to take any opportunity I had to go out and socialize. I started seeing friends and going out to places alone to build up my confidence. The anxiety started to go away the more I went out, and I started to remember how much I loved meeting and talking to people. I realized that alienating myself from the world took me away from connecting to others and experiencing all the beautiful things life has to offer. I started to recognize that the fear I had of being judged by others was a lie and that there was absolutely nothing to fear. I remembered that people will judge you no matter what; it’s human nature, and that’s something we also have no control over.

The biggest thing I started to recognize was that all the negative thoughts I had of myself, “I am not beautiful, I am ugly, I am not good enough, I am not lovable, I am not worthy, I am all alone,” were completely false and that I started to believe them simply because I was thinking them. The mind is so powerful, and the more you think a certain thought over and over again, you begin to assign truth to it, and it becomes a belief, and that belief begins to show up in your life. They were showing up in my life when I no longer had any self-worth, and I began to hide from the world. I couldn’t believe I was treating myself this way when it was simply not true, so I decided that I wasn’t going to think this way anymore.

I won’t lie and say that these thoughts don’t pop up from time to time. They absolutely do because I’m not perfect. The difference is now I’m aware of when they pop up, and as soon as I feel those negative thoughts, I can decide to shift my thinking and create thoughts that are the absolute truth, which is “I am beautiful, I am enough, I am loveable, I am worthy, I am not alone.” And one thing I know for certain is that this is the absolute truth for us all.

Whether you lose your hair or not, there is so much pain that comes from having cancer. Even after treatment ends, the emotional roller coaster doesn’t go away, and the pain lingers. Every day after is a journey of healing and self-discovery. Your body, mind, and spirit are in need of nurturing, and if you can commit to one daily practice of self-care and self-love, it will help you exponentially. I’m still in the early days of my recovery, and I’m doing all that I can to find peace and heal what’s been broken. I still have many bad days, but I also have really good days, and all I can do is choose to focus on how I can make each day better than the one before. If you’re reading this and have been having a hard time lately, I’d like to tell you, if you haven’t told yourself already:

You are beautiful.

You are enough.

You are loveable.

You are worthy.

You are not alone.

I’m here for you.

Photo courtesy of author.