Last Year Was The Hardest of My Life, But It's Been a Magical Start to 2019

My oh my, I couldn’t be happier to have closed the door on 2018!

2018, overall was the hardest year of my entire life! The last two weeks of 2018 was an extremely difficult time for me which absolutely SUCKED, because obviously it’s a time for celebration. My headspace was all over the shop and I found myself crying a lot. I experienced so much anxiety and fearful thoughts. All because I knew I had a PET scan coming up. Talk about shit timing…

I had bought a Woodford ticket, ready to go and celebrate with my friends, thinking I’ll be okay and that it’ll be a good distraction. Nope. I was literally in the worst mood. My anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t want to go, be distracted for a small amount of time, only to come back home and be hit with fears again. I sold my ticket, and I was going to sit with this feeling and work through it. Although I did feel down New Year’s Eve, I definitely don’t regret my decision!

Anyways, after so much worry and bad feelings about my scan, I finally received some amazing news, welcoming 2019 on one, bloody, positive note! When I walked into my oncologist’s office, my heart was beating so fast. What if the results weren’t good? Then what? I was literally at a point where I couldn’t have handled anything more thrown at me. I was just about ready to give up. I was tired…

As I sat, my oncologist began to tell me that my results were "really, really good." Oh. My. God. I felt like I could breathe again. The relief that flooded through out my body. I literally cried all the way home, constantly telling mum how happy I was. My results show that the cancer has reduced!! Only one node has still stayed the same size at 7mm. A stem cell transplant is also unlikely due to positive results. YAAAAY! Doing the transplant would be super risky and honestly a really bad move.

1.

Because things are tracking along accordingly.

2.

Because the Immunotherapy is working to stimulate and boost my immune system to better fight the cancerous cells. By doing a transplant they would be completely wiping out my immune system so it’s pretty much just common sense to not do this. Intense chemo hasn’t worked for me in the past so there’s just no point trying something that would put me at greater risk! (I’m clearly soooo stoked about this) I did not want to do a transplant!

So for now, I will continue on with Pembrolizumab (Immunotherapy) and undergo another PET scan after the 6th cycle. I am currently 4 cycles in out of 35! Geez, saying it like that sounds forever away. My oncologist’s recommend that I stay on this treatment if all continue’s to go to plan for another 2 years. Honestly, this sounds awful and exhausting to me. All I want to do in life is to move forward. Maybe in a way, I am? Maybe through out this crazy journey it’s actually shaping my future and setting me up? Who knows…

Sometimes I get feelings like my life is on hold and I feel like I’m at a stand still. Ridiculous, I know… I’m fighting cancer for goodness sakes!! But I can’t help but feel a little disheartened when I see friends building their lives up, working, moving out of home, getting married or having children. Basically just moving forward in life. I do feel like I’m extremely behind, (I know, someone please slap me for having these thoughts!) This doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for them because I 100% totally am!! I love watching not only myself grow but my loved ones around me! It just blows me away that I’ve been battling cancer since I was 21, and I do long so badly to be able to do the same.. It feels like a lifetime ago.

BUT, at least I can somewhat live my life on this treatment as I don’t get sick. Maybe, (hopefully) small opportunities come my way within these 2 years, giving me at least SOMETHING to do. Haha! I just need to keep thinking, "this is working" and that the end result is going to be truly something extraordinary, and all of this was worth it. Yes, I am tired. So very tired. I am overrrrr it! But since getting these amazing results, I’ve felt this massive urge to keep pushing forward. I cannot wait to keep seeing progress!