Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long while. I went to a halloween party with all of my friends, and actually had the chance to feel "normal". No side effects, no symptoms, no worries or anxieties. Just a good time with good people forgetting about all my concerns and obligations to living with this disease. I pray to God for more days like that. Today is a great day too. Hanging out with my sister at the car dealership while she gets her car serviced. Why is this fun? Anything involving my family and friends is fun to me. I am learning to enjoy the smaller things in life, that may actually not be that small. Actually, they are some of the biggest distractors in my life, and they help me deal with the everyday reminders of cancer. I have even gotten to the point where I do not even want to say that word. Maybe because whewn I say it that makes it true or real, or the fear that it will take over again. My biggest concern is my mental health in anything that I go through, controlling my mind is a big issue for me. Perhaps I have a phobia or fear of mental illness, knowing that if I was going to show any symptoms of a mental illness I would have by now, but anxiety is not rational. I miss my job, my co-workers, I miss my old life, but I know that God is preparing me for something greater and better; and good days like these remind me of that. Thank you Lord. 

So I have been in ongoing counseling for PTSD, and now for my cancer journey. My counselor and I were talking about my anxiety, and she encouraged me to think about how I should consider that my thoughts are being processed through "The Anxious Mind". What does that mean? Well, we figured out that people with intelligent and anxious minds such as myself, tend to seek the "Why" and "How" more than most people that would just be ok with the situation no matter how it turns out. This makes me wonder "Is cancer my Lesson?" I am constantly looking for ways to have control over every situation in my life. All of a sudden, out of NOWHERE, I get disgnosed with a cancer that cannot be traced back to any family member, anything I have done to my body, it just appeared; Lymohoma. A blood cancer that currently has no known cause, only conjectures as to where it may have come from. So, there it is, the control freak who wants to know the "how" and "why" of everything is finally faced with a journey that she cannot connect to any real reason. I feel like I may be going through this journey because I need to learn that everything cannot be in my control, but no matter the outcome, I will be OK.