Dear Cancer, My first experience with you was in 1999. That was when my mother discovered your residency in her body, her right breast to be more specific. She had the breast removed, took tamoxophen, and underwent radiation treatments. Her doctor, after seeing her every couple of months like clockwork and numerous tests later, declared my mother to be cancer free. Thinking my mother was OK and was in good hands (her doctor and my sisters were more than capable of handling things…) I moved out to California some 3000 miles away from home. What her doctor didn’t know was you, not-so- dear Cancer, are a sneaky little opportunistic bastard. You ran and hid somewhere else in her body, quite possibly as soon as the surgeon’s lifesaving scalpel made its first incision. We discovered you had returned one morning in 2002 when my mother fell on the way from the kitchen back into the living room. Her thighbone was broken. Guess the fight must have made you awfully hungry because you had eaten through her thighbone. It was broken before she ever hit the floor. She passed away in February 2003. Round one- my mom. Round two- Evil Cancer Monster. My next experience with you came in October 2009, ironically 10 years after my mother’s first diagnosis. This time, you had decided to pick a fight with my sister, Martha. If you had only asked me first I could have saved you the trouble. She can be a stubborn mean hateful beyotch and you DON’T wanna fight with her. YOU WILL LOSE. But, ask me you did not and so the fight began. As with my mother, you took up residency in Martha’s right breast. She had her right breast removed and reconstructed. I remember her telling me that was the only good thing about your arrival because now since she was going to have her breast reconstructed, for the first time since she was a teenager, she was going to have a flat stomach. At least she found out of your existence pretty early on and took you out before you even had a chance. Told you. You pick a fight with her, you will lose. Round three- Martha. The next time you came around, was in Feb 2011. I guess you decided to wear a disguise this time because you knew the females in my family had gotten wise to your old tricks. This time, you went after my sister Jean. My sister had started exhibiting odd behaviors, namely not showing up for work several days in a row because she thought it was Saturday. Me and Martha both started thinking that it was early onset Alzheimer’s or a mini stroke. Martha took her to a doctor and we found out that you were in her brain. Upon further inspection, we discovered that your point of origin was her right breast. For some reason, you just LOVE the right breast in my family. Is it because that’s the ONLY way you know you’ll be right? Because you are most definitely NOT. Sorry to break it to you. By the time we had discovered your existence in Jean’s body, it was too late. April 29, 2011 you claimed another victim – this time, it was my sister Jean. Round 4- evil cancer monster. Throughout all this, I had been fighting for my OWN life. Before you claimed my mother, I had requested a mammogram. Since at the time I was 29 and otherwise healthy, my doctor refused. When Martha was diagnosed, I reached out to an organization named “every woman counts”. I guess you only count if you’re 40 or older because again, I was told I was too young and there was no real reason to test me. When I found out about Jean’s diagnosis, I went in search of another organization that would help. This time, I would not be denied. Because of such heavy family history, they accepted me into the program. I had my first mammogram shortly after I came back to California from my sister’s funeral. It was unclear. This time, it was the left side. After a second mammogram and ultrasound, I was deemed to be normal. Let me be perfectly clear Cancer. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. Don’t even try. I have had MORE than a lifetime of experience with you. I don’t want anymore. The welcome mat that is laying at the doorway of my life is not meant for you, it is meant for true friends. You are far from a friend. You rape and pillage and take whatever the hell you want, without even asking. You are rude, evil , obnoxious, disruptive and just a general cocky bastard child of Satan. You might have taken my mother and my sister Jean and tried to take my sister Martha but you will NEVER have me. Oh and by the way, could you PLEASE stop stalking my friends too? Fight like a girl for Christ sake. If you have issues with me, tell me but stop messing around with the lives of those that mean the most to me. You’ve messed with my family; you’re learning that several of my friends are not to be messed with as they are currently fighting you back with everything they are. Give it up Cancer. Go away. Consider this your permanent restraining order. My sister Martha doesn’t want you in her life, my friends Barbara, Deanna and Laura don’t want you in theirs anymore and I damn sure don’t want you in mine. Not now, not ever. It’s been real. Can’t say that it’s been fun though. What can I say Cancer, I’m just not that into you… not that I ever was. Peace out! Sincerely, Margie Merchant PS- Don’t even think of messing with my “sisters” Angela or Tracey. If you even TRY, I will kick you square in the balls. Nothing personal. What am I saying? OF COURSE it’s personal. Just consider them under the umbrella of the permanent restraining order as well.