I don’t know if cancer is going to take more than what it already took, 7 months of my life, and money that I didn’t have. Would cancer also take my possibility of having babies? While I write these lines, tears come down my face, I can’t do anything to stop them, as I realized that I can not do anything to increase my chances of having a baby. When you are young and you become sexually active the last thing you want is to get pregnant, and even more when you know you are a smart girl, and you want to accomplish more than just being a mom. Then you grow a little more, and you want to live your life without the responsibility of caring for someone else at your 20s. So since you are smart, you are going to wait for the right time to have a baby, whenever you have your life figure it out. You need to have the right job, the right guy, a house, financial stability, and blab la bla. I have love children all my life, I can’t think of a moment where I didn’t like them. This might sound to a lot of people like I am lying, but I always had a fear, that since I love children so much, I wasn’t going to be able to have any. I also imagine or have the fear of intersections when I am driving, because I think a car could just strike my car at any moment. But going back to the fear of not having kids, this go back to when I was a teenager, but on February 24th or 25th the news that there is a big chance of me not having children came real. The doctor told me, so I knew all the side effects of chemotherapy. My mom and boyfriend were with me, so I didn’t want to worried them, so I played cool, hold my tears, but those words “you might not be able to have children” hit me really, really hard. Then we went home, I was in a kitchen, my mother was cooking, my boyfriend was there, and I broke down. I ran into my room, I didn’t want them to see me cry, I close the door, and put my back on the door, and hold my head, and told my self to get my shit together. I have so many doubts at that exact moment, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live without the possibility of not being a mom. When I found that I had cancer, I thought well alright, I will fight this, I will give my 150%, if I die I did my best, but I know I can beat the shit out of this cancer BS, but the news of this diseases taking more than just a toll on my body it was devastating, still is, here I am almost 8 months later, being sad of something that I don’t know if it would or not happen. Now the right moment to have a baby seems like a dream, an impossible dream. Before for me dreams where goals, that I will do my best to get them, sometimes I wish I would not dream of having a baby since… well I don’t know. Well I want to end in a good note, so I will imagine 3 kids, two boys and a girl, me picking them up from school, they are in their uniform. I am already out side, so when the bell rings, I am right there waiting for them. They are white, with dark hair and pink cheeks, and since this is my dream, they are chubby. The youngest one is a boy, really chubby, it’s just a little me, with is round noose. The girl is the middle one, she is a know it all, she has my personality, so I don’t have to worry too much about her schoolwork, she will be all right. The big one is a boy, the magic boy, the light to my life, the boy who changed my story, the boy who taught me that dreams come true. I will love them three the same, but that first boy will bring me back to life. I am 30 years old, by now I have learned that life is fragile, and that you can only live life. I can’t tell you to learn something from my experience, I can only tell my story.